The Pain of Loving Someone You Can’t Have

I have lived my whole life feeling oddly envious without any escape. I envy that ‘someone’ who gets the chance to see and hold you, talk to you, and be with you after a bad day. I envy that ‘someone’ who hugs and kisses you goodnight every time you go to bed at night. I envy that ‘someone’ who showers you good morning kisses and who gets the chance to watch you smile as you open your eyes each morning.

How lucky that ‘someone’ who hears you sing a love song. Who dances with you in a crowd. Who sits across from you at a table, smelling that brew black coffee while listening to the tweeting of the small birds and staring at the mark of brilliant reds and oranges below the horizon. How lucky is that someone?

It’s true, I never have a life that most people pray for because I am a woman who is alone in bed at night, who cries until the birds of dawn pick away the debris of darkness.

I am a woman who smiles to cover up so much pain. Who lies about being fine.

I am a woman who honestly admits that I will die alone watching you smile and hold hand with someone else in photographs I will not be in.

I am a woman who wishes, hopes and prays of holding you and feeling you as you fall asleep beside me.

But I want you to know that my love for you isn’t lost in me. I will conserve it so I could have something to carry me through the period of aloneness.

I want you to know that even the city skyline has been tainted forever. That’s how I love you.

Please know that I’m not going to forget you. It’s your familiar grin and your lovely stare that keeps my smile and love you even more.

You were never mine and will never be, but I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart and will always be loving you from a distance.



See also: 5 Signs You Are Afraid Of Being In A Relationship

I am going to name six of the most common signs, signs that will tell you that you’re afraid of being in love, you’re afraid of being in a relationship with someone other than yourself, and I’m also going to help you get rid of those fears and move on with your life in a healthy way. Let’s begin.

5. You haven’t made peace with your past

One of the most basic reasons why people are scared to be in a relationship is because they’re still haunted by certain events of their past, events that hurt them in such traumatic ways that it’s very hard for them to come back to how they once used to be. Even the slightest or tiniest trigger can tick you off and bring you back into that state of fear and depression, as long as you let it have that power over you, and it’s not going to heal, not unless you do something about it.

The Fix

The fix here is to make peace with your past. I’ve been there, I’ve had a phase in my life where I went back and forth and I hated it. But I slowly helped myself get out of that phase, the memories, the hurt, the pain, the loss, everything bad that happened to me in the past was a cruel reminder in the present and was making me unable to have a happy future.

So I fixed it, by making friends with my past, by accepting my mistakes, by making amends, by apologizing to the people who I’d hurt in any way, by having proper closure with all of my past demons. That’s something you need to do if you want to move on with your life and be with someone who will love you more than you can ever imagine.

4. You don’t think you can trust again

They say trust is the hardest thing to make and the easiest thing to break, they’re right. It could take years to build the perfect trust between two people and it can take mere seconds to break that trust into a million pieces. The fear here is to get hurt again, to get your trust broken again after working on it for so long. But only you can help yourself here, no one else can do anything for you no matter how much love and care they have for you, you’ll still be in your insecure and scared state until you finally decide to come out of it on your own.

The key here is to NEVER rely on someone else to help you regain your trust back, do it yourself.

The Fix

The fix here is to understand that whatever happened with you in your past was because of someone else, no two individuals are the same in this world and there are a LOT of individuals, so the chances of your trust being broken again are very tiny. You need to take the risk, you need to tell yourself that you WILL let this new person get their fair chance, their own chance to prove that there are still good people in this world, people who care just as much as you do or maybe more.

3. You think you’ll be trapped

Another common fear is when people think they’ll be trapped the second they commit to someone. This fear is developed because of a lot of reasons, be it past experience or the experience of others. When you see a friend of yours dating someone, and they keep telling you how much they hate it, how much they miss the single life, how much they wish they were alone right now, these are the common triggers that scare you off from committing yourself to someone who truly deserves to be with you.

The Fix

The fix here is to remember that a relationship is NOT about being trapped, it’s not about control, it’s not about molding someone into what you want them to be, relationships are about enhancement, relationships are a blessing. Don’t be with someone who tries to change you, don’t be with someone who tries to impose a lot of ideas and rules over your life, be with the person who loves you for whoever you are and keeps on enhancing that person in you.

2. You’re scared of breaking up

A lot of people don’t get into relationships because they’ve seen too many people breaking up and they can sense the pain those people felt when they went through the break ups. Of course, break ups hurt, they hurt for a long period of time, but it doesn’t mean they’re “mandatory” for every relationship. People break up when they don’t want to work on each other anymore, because real relationships require constant work and constant effort, something people don’t realize from the start and they hate it when they find out later on.

The Fix

The fix here is to not be scared of breaking up with the person you love, the fix here is to remove the term “breaking up” from your vocab. I love my girlfriend, and no matter how much we fight or differentiate, we always tell each other that we’ll work it out, and we always do. That’s what relationships are all about, to never give up on the person you love because if you truly love them, you’ll love them enough to put every effort you have on them regardless.

1. You’re afraid of sharing your time with someone

Most people run away from relationships because they think they are too time consuming and they’ll divide all the time you have into pieces, it’s not like that. Relationships are about two people sharing a life together, the time spent together becomes time shared and it enhances it in every way. It’s a common misconception today that once you get involved with someone, you’re going to have to give all of your time to them, that’s not how relationships work and that’s something you need to stop being scared of.

The Fix

The fix here is to remember that you’re not the only person who’s going to share their time with someone, someone else is going to share their time with you in return. Relationships are all about give and take, regardless of the ratio. No one is busy in this world, it’s all about priorities and time is the best gift you can give someone. And if they love you enough to give their time to you, you should happily do the same to them.


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